A Change of Heart
by Mereo Flere
Summary: A story about Shinji.


"A Change of Heart" by Mereo Flere

Disclaimer: I don't own Fate/Stay Night.

Notes: This is a story about Shinji and Sakura, set after Unlimited Blade Works. It's the one route that Shinji survives - and the only route where he has a chance to, if not fix things, do his best to become better.

XXX

That day in the hospital had been unforgettable… the day where he woke up in an unfamiliar bed, an aching pain in his chest – eclipsed only by the despair in the heart that now belonged to him. To be honest, there were only vague memories of what happened after that golden servant had shoved the still beating organ into his chest, but…

It was enough to know that he had failed. No – it was more than failure; he had blundered so badly that it was a miracle he was even alive. He didn't manage to succeed in surpassing either Rin or Shirou – and in the end needed to be saved by them from his own mess. The only things he had managed to accomplish were borrowing other's power and getting rescued.

Shinji knew full well that he had proven his grandfather right – that he was useless after all… and, on that day, he completely expected that truth to be thrown in his face. If it had happened to anybody else it's what he would have done after all – gloat how foolish they had been for even trying. There was no shortage of people who could call him out on it; Rin was just the first to come to his mind, if she didn't try to beat him up for what he had tried to do for her first.

That day, though… she didn't come; neither did Shirou, though Shinji didn't want to see him either. Only one person visited him, the day he woke up, the last person he had wanted to see after this ordeal: His sister, Matou Sakura.

There were plenty of reasons he didn't want to see her. He had taken her servant for herself – only to have Rider killed in a battle that wasn't even worth mentioning. There was also the guilt he felt from how he treated her that, up until now, he had been able to easily push aside and ignore. More than anything else, however… he didn't want to see the way she looked at him.

He knew her well enough that she wouldn't insult or get mad at him like Rin or their grandfather would. At the same time, the sorrow she would no doubt show for him would be worse – much worse. After spending so many years of trying to convince himself that he really was better than her, it would absolutely crush him to see her pity him.

And… that's why, when he heard her voice coming down the hospital corridor, he immediately turned away from the door. Soon enough, he heard her walk inside the room he was being held him, accompanied by the nurse that had guided her here. When the nurse excused herself from the room to give the two some privacy Shinji still did not turn to see his sister – focusing as best as he could on the window. It wasn't the best view in the world – all one could see was the hospital parking lot – but it was better than seeing her expression.

Naturally, like many of the things Shinji had done in his life, he hadn't thought this plan out very well. Seeing her brother adamantly ignoring her, she simply walked over to the other side of the bed and sat down. Even though he did his best to turn away when she sat down, it was too late – he had already caught a glimpse of her face. While he was stubborn, and continued to look away, he couldn't forget what he saw…

Relief.

"Nii-san," she said softly, after a long awkward silence. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Is that so?" Shinji asked, resisting the urge to turn around. "Well you should be, after all," he said with a small puff of his chest – trying to maintain the same attitude he always had around her.

"Yes," Sakura agreed – more cheerfully this time, though it with still a hint of worry in her voice. "After all, you're my one and only Nii-san."

…they didn't say much afterward. It seemed that she was there only to convey that single feeling – not that Shinji would've listened to anything else, anyway. As confident as Shinji was over his understanding of Sakura, Sakura knew him even better – and knew what he did and didn't want to hear.

Still, as she left, she turned back to face him, knowing he wouldn't look at her, and said something he had dreaded to hear: "I'll see you tomorrow, Nii-san."

When she was finally gone, and he was sure she was out of earshot, Shinji smiled bitterly to himself.

"Nii-san… ha, what a joke."

That day, he felt as though something inside of him had started to crack.

XXX

True to her word, Sakura returned the next day – this time with another familiar face in tow: Emiya Shirou, his former friend. Compared to the siblings, he was brighter, more cheerful, somehow able to easily gloss over the fact that Shinji had tried to kill him several times recently. Part of that was because he didn't know Sakura knew, but the rest… well, he didn't seem to hold a grudge.

The only time he even acknowledged Shinji's actions were when Sakura excused herself to go to the bathroom. Even then, Shirou didn't shout at him, or warn him not to repeat his mistakes. Instead, with a stern frown, he simply looked at Shinji and said, "Don't do something so stupid again."

And that was that. Shirou swept it under the rug – for now at least. Before Shinji could ask him if that was really all he had to say, Shirou held up his hand and said that Sakura was already coming back.

Shirou still didn't know the truth it seemed, not that there would've been anybody to tell him. There was only Sakura, after all, and she wouldn't reveal her part in all this. Not to anybody, least of all Shirou.

For a moment, Shinji considered being the one to tell Shirou. There would be no better time after all than to do it just as Sakura returned. Shinji knew she wouldn't be able to deny the truth, and he had to admit he couldn't help but want to see what kind of horrified expression Shirou would make. The moment passed, however, when Sakura finally stepped into the room again, smiling as she asked them if they had finally started to get along like they used to.

And, when Shirou gave his answer, it didn't seem that that moment would ever return.

"You know, I never once stopped thinking of Shinji as a friend."

In the past, those words wouldn't have stopped heartless bastard known as Shinji. But today…

"You're an idiot."

…was the harshest thing he could manage against his friend.

XXX

Another day passed. It was already the third day Shinji had spent in the hospital after waking up, but they insisted on keeping him for observation. He wasn't the only one of course; there were still a number of patients being watched after the "mysterious gas leaks" had started to occur, and they believed that he was yet another victim of that. Shinji knew better of course – not that he could forget when his own body served as a constant reminder of his actions.

Every beat of the heart made him feel a little uneasy. While there may have been no physical scars on the outside, he was aware that something foreign was inside him now. Though his body did not reject the heart that continued beat with a strong pulse, he knew without a doubt that he had lost his own that day; it was only the strength of a frail little girl that kept him alive now.

The doctors didn't seem to notice, and Shinji made no effort to bring it to their attention. He couldn't let anybody find out that there was something wrong with him. Unfortunately, someone already had.

"Good afternoon, Nii-san."

It was the third time Sakura had visited him, though unlike yesterday she came alone. It was a relief that Shirou hadn't returned, but at the same time Sakura had become noisier. Whether it was intentional or not, the silence had been broken when that guy had come. That which had started as a simple dialogue between Shirou and Sakura – mostly about what had happened at school since he fell unconscious – eventually engulfed Shinji into itself as well; today, even without Shirou here, Sakura didn't shy away from talking around him.

Still, Shinji tried not to pay attention to her; focusing his eyes on the parking lot, he did his best to avoid even acknowledging her existence. Nonetheless, Sakura didn't seem the least discourage, and continued to speak even when there was no response. Confined to the bed like he was, Shinji had no choice but to listen.

The topics were the same as yesterday. People were still worried about going to class, but already many were returning to their daily routine. Even club activities had returned, though she had skipped practice to see him. Sakura even talked about how she looked forward to coming back together.

After an hour, though, she finally said something that managed to successfully provoke him.

"There's something wrong with your heart, isn't there?"

Shinji's eyes became wide with shock. It was normal for people to ask someone in a hospital bed if there was something wrong – but most wouldn't ask something so specific. His surprise lasted for only a moment, though, and in the next his face was filled anger, and Shinji snapping his gaze towards her for the first time today. "Don't be stupid," he said, clenching his fist. "What do you know anyway – do you think you're smarter than a PhD?"

It was just a lucky guess, he told himself. There was no way she could have known… and now, she would back down and apologize for even suggesting such a thing.

But she didn't. Instead, her eyes remained firmly locked onto his. It was hypnotizing, really, and Shinji found he could not pull his gaze away.

"Of course I am," she said without a hint of arrogance, reaching out to him and taking hold of his hand. "When it comes to you, there is nobody that knows you better. After all…"

After all, she had seen every side of him there was. Even more than the senpai she had adored or the sister she had once had, Sakura had been by Shinji's side than anyone else in the world. Physically or emotionally, there was no detail she had missed. But that dove into things that should not be said, least of all in a hospital ward. Instead, she chose to cut her words there and squeezed his hand between her own. Then, for just a moment, her eyes darted to his chest before she finally let him go.

Shinji understood what she wanted to say. It was entirely possible that Sakura really did know his body better than he did. However, he could not – he would not admit his weakness.

"It's nothing," he said, surprised to feel the room get hotter, even with the air conditioner roaring in the background. "Really, I'm fine."

"I see."

Sakura smiled sadly, but she didn't press on anymore. Accepting that tiniest bit of progress, she returned to the topics of school life once more. This time, Shinji didn't even try to turn away.

It was pointless against someone like her.

XXX

End of Chapter 1


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